Jo Hemmings answers your dating questions for August 2007

Dear Jo

It has been a long time since I chatted up a lady – I’m a bit behind the eight ball on that one… I was married for 11 years and since divorced.  If I were in a club or pub how would I know if a woman took a fancy to me and if so what would be the approach from me at first?  Sorry if this is sad, but it’s been a while.

Thanks

Ross

Dear Ross,

It’s not a sad question at all and a very common concern especially amongst people who are a bit out of practice at making an approach!  My suggestions are below, but do bear in mind that meeting someone special is a ‘no pain, no gain’ world and it’s easy even for the biggest players to get the signals mixed up, so if you misread signals, don’t get disheartened, just learn from it and move on. It happens to ALL of us!

Making an approach in a bar:

The local boozer just has to be the favourite place for a boy’s night out.  Good old spit ‘n’ sawdust, beer you can trust and the bar staff know your name.  Nothing fancy here – just a good honest drinking establishment.  And the nearest they get to a dress code, is just making sure that in order not to contravene public decency laws, you are actually wearing some clothes at all

But women tend to prefer a slightly more sophisticated atmosphere. We’re likely to go for squidgy sofas over bar stools and a decent wine list over a pint of Dog’s Bollocks or whatever…  Trouble is, we also have a habit of messing around in packs, and there’s little more scary than a bunch of women, dressed to the nines, all huddling together sharing what seems to be some kind of impenetrable joke.  We’re not really doing that – it’s just a kind of protective barrier.  So how do you sort out the approachable ones, indicate your interest and do you make the first move?

• Firstly check out her ring finger.  It’s obviously more common for women, than men, to show a little bling to demonstrate their marital status and a Friday night is a favourite time for going out with the girls.  If you see a stone glinting, beware…
• Try and catch someone’s eye and smile.  Not a huge tooth-bearing grin, but just a hint of interest.  If she looks away, but then looks up again and smiles, you might just be in there.
• Don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of totty on show, keep focused on just one or two girls that catch your eye.
• If you notice her appear to move away from her friend(s) – perhaps heading off to the loo or the bar, then try and engineer a meet.  Just a ‘Hi, how are you doing?’ is fine. No cheesy chat up lines please!
• If you then manage to get chatting, offer to buy her – and her chums – a drink.  It’s amazing just how many men chat up a girl, move swiftly in for the kill, but haven’t even bothered to offer to buy her a drink first.
• Give a girl a compliment.  Nothing too over the top, she’ll be concerned for various reasons if you admire her kitten heels or the size of her tits.  Admiring someone’s eyes, although a little clichéd does work well if done in the right way, at the right moment.  Use your instinct as to when that might be…

If all this seems just too complicated in a busy bar or club, you could try the direct approach.  It’s difficult having a meaningful conversation in a vast, noisy, crowded bar, so going up to someone that looks fun and either asking for her number or offering her yours with a view to having a chat sometime soon when it isn’t so chaotic can work wonders.  She will feel admired and may appreciate your candour in not wanting to interrupt her evening with her mates or make her try and talk in an atmosphere not really conducive to a meeting of minds.  Try it…

Making an approach in a club:

Clubs can be tough places to have any sort of meaningful conversation, but great for checking out her dancing skills.  If she feels comfortable, relaxed and shows serious rhythm while she’s dancing, she’ll probably demonstrate the same tendencies in the bedroom.  Of course the opposite may be true too…

• Make a little effort dress wise.  Leave the football shirt and trainers for the local.  A smart shirt or white T-shirt and a decent pair of chinos are always pretty safe. If your abs ain’t what they used to be, simply wear your shirt outside your trousers.
• If you see someone you like, ask her if she fancies a drink or a dance.  You can be more direct in a club than in a pub.  Pulling is more likely to be the name of the game.
• If she says ‘no thanks’, don’t persist, however much your mates are egging you on. And if she’s rude, ignores you or laughs – and I’m afraid that some girls are like that – forget it.  She wasn’t worth knowing anyway.
• Like the bar, if you see someone you like, move over into that general direction and see if you can establish a little eye contact.
• If you do meet someone you like, by all means ask for her number, although why don’t you offer her yours?  She might feel safer that way.  There are some dodgy types in clubs.  Alternatively, programme in her number into your mobile, call it on the spot and then she’s got your number if she wants it.
• And if it looks like you’re going to score that night, just pop to the loo and buy some condoms if you need them.  Most women don’t like to carry them about sadly, for fear of being seen as loose.

Good luck!

Kind regards,

Jo 

Dear Jo

My boyfriend and I have our own houses yet spend all our time together. The problem is that the 3-4 nights I spend at his we come in from work, have tea then end up at his parents. We eventually get home around 10pm.

I like his parents very much and would like to see them once a week. He sees them every day anyway, I just don’t understand why he has to go around again in the evening. I work full time and would like to relax in the evening. I have tried to explain this to him but it appears to be slipping again into this routine. Help!!

Thanks

Gemma, Oxfordshire

Hi Gemma

Does your boyfriend feel duty bound to his parents perhaps?  Do they need his help or assistance for any reason?  Or perhaps it’s just become a habit they are both used to and your boyfriend wants to keep the peace?

Firstly, I have to say that it’s a healthy relationship to have your own homes .That way you both keep your independence as well as having quality time together.  However, it would appear that you don’t spend ay time without each and I suggest that you both need a little space on your own.  How about you both having a couple of nights, were you do your own thing, whether it’s watching TV, having a phone catch up with your pals or just spending a little time alone?

I also suggest that you talk to him again and if he – or his parents – like the routine of his visits (and their is no underlying reason why he has to go round), suggest that he goes round there once a week with you, perhaps midweek and maybe once on his own, perhaps a Sunday evening.  That way he well see them twice a week, rather than just once.

Also, maybe the two of you could do some things together when you see him during the week.  Maybe a trip to the movies or bowling?  Or out for a drink?  Or perhaps have some friends over to you?  If you’re doing something together, rather than just having super together, he will have less reasons or inclination to go over to his parents.

You sound like an understanding person Gemma – I’m sure you’ll work it out with tact and compromise.

Kind regards

Jo