Make a wish list - then pursue it

Your dating wish list

To maximize your chance of finding the perfect person, it’s vital to know both what you want and what you have to offer. Having too long a ‘shopping list’ will leave you as unfulfilled as having a scattergun approach, where you haven’t set any criteria.

Sometimes it helps to actually write a wish list down. Dividing your wants and expectations into ‘must-haves’ e.g. solvency, wants/doesn’t want children, lives within easy distance etc. and ‘would like if possible but accept it might just be a bonus’ is a useful exercise.

These are some of the factors that you might want to consider:

1. Do you want him or her to be your best friend as well as your partner?

2. Are you looking for long-term commitment or something else? Is he/she?

3. Do you want to be able to laugh at the same things?

4. If looking for commitment and want a family some time, could you imagine having his/her babies?

5. What level of independence do you want to retain or are you looking for a 24/7 togetherness?

6. Is it important that your libidos match?

7. Could you cope with, or want, a relationship where monogamy is not an issue?

8. Do you want complete devotion or would jealousy see you heading for the hills?

9. Do you want ruthless ambition and drive in a partner or would just career ‘go with the flow’ suit you best?

10. Do you want/need someone on your intellectual or cultural level?

11. Do you want someone your sort of age or would older or younger appeal more/not matter?

12. Is immediate chemistry critical or do you believe that it can develop in time?

13. Do you mind/want a smoker? A drinker? Or a gym junkie?

Dating coach Jo Hemmings explains

Be realistic about yourself

Tough though it can be, it’s an invaluable exercise to stand back and take an honest look at yourself. How desirable are you, how attractive, what kind of partner is likely to go for you? It’s worth drafting in a really close mate to help with this. Someone you really trust. It might seem a bit awkward at first, and it’s often helps to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex to give you a few honest answers!

You need to ask them a series of questions. And you’ll need to be prepared for answers you might not want or expect. Try some of these for size:

1. Do you think I’m attractive to the opposite sex? On a scale of one to ten. What could I do to improve this?

2. Do you think I’m sexy? Ditto re scale, ditto re improving the situation.

3. Am I fun to be with?

4. Do I seem outgoing or shy?

5. Do I dress well? Do my clothes suit me? Am I bright? Well read?

6. Do I flirt? Too much, too little?

7. Do I seem too interested or too distant?

8. Do I seem relaxed when I meet a guy/girl or too scary?

9. Am I too full on or too passive?

You get the drift... It will not always be pleasant, but it should help adjust your perspective and self-image a little. If the responses are exactly what you expected, then try someone else, because they’re probably just saying what they think you want them to say. This is a cruel to be kind exercise, not a mutual back-scratching event. However if the answers are too harsh and it’s probably time to change your mates!

Ask yourself the following questions too – it will help you see what you have to offer a potential partner:

1. Am I realistic in what I’m looking for? Being too demanding or narrow in your expectations will not only bring disappointment with your datees, as I have mentioned, it may also explain why you have trouble dating in the first place. Take a little time to look beyond someone’s bank balance or looks or body and you may be pleasantly surprised. Or you may not, in which case it will reinforce your wish list, which is fine. But if you’re 40 and you’re looking for someone no older than 30, with all those other desirable qualities too, then you may discover that they’re tougher to find.

2. Are you interesting to spend time with? How are your conversational skills? Do you read a daily paper and watch the news? Or is the limit of your conversation restricted to the soaps? Are you passionate about a hobby or your work? Can you convey this without being boring or dull? Do you ask questions because you have genuine interest in someone else or simply because you want to size them up? Do you listen well – giving people a chance to say their bit or do you interrupt and butt in all the time with your views?

3. Are you financially independent? You don’t have to be rich or flash with your money, but managing your money wisely gives you confidence and allows you to see your date as a person rather than a meal ticket. Dating a wealthy partner is great, but see it as a bonus rather than a goal. If a partner thinks you are after them for their money, they will be guarded from the start.

4. Are you independent? Do you have goals and aspirations that are your own and not dependent on someone else. Goals that are not just finding a partner to be with, but goals for yourself – learning a foreign language, becoming the boss or running the marathon. These goals are not the same thing as having hobbies – these are major aspirations that you want to work and aim for, for your own personal self esteem. It shows ambition and drive as well as independence and is often very attractive to a prospective partner as well as fulfilling for you.

5. Do you live for the present? While looking to the future and making plans is an essential part of life, dreamy people who always think the grass is greener just around the corner do not make easy company. Enjoying today and taking life one step at a time can often make you a much more relaxed person. It’s a liberating feeling just to free yourself for an evening or a week or two from what might lie ahead. Just think how good you feel when you’re on holiday. It’s even worse if you hang on to your emotional past for too long. It can make you cynical, mistrustful and just allows anyone who had the ability to hurt you in the past, to carry right on doing it. Move on – to the present.

6. Are you a positive person? Are you happy with your self-image? Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Do you grizzle and whine or tackle your problems head on, one at a time? Happiness and a healthy self-esteem are infectious and make people want to become part of your life. Negative people create just the opposite effect. Work out what makes you happy and go for it. Accept compliments with good grace and a smile. Not suspicion or a quick ‘thanks, but...’. Learn to recognise and capitalise on your strengths and work on your weaknesses.

You can get Jo's books online:

"After reading this book I think I am beginning to see the light. I always blamed myself for relationships never lasting and can now see why. My confidence is increasing in leaps and bounds and I feel able to dip my toe into the dating game once again. Thank you Jo for this book, which I shall refer to again and again --- Watch this space."

This is a great book and I can't believe the previous reviewers didn't say how funny it was. Jo Hemmings writes as if she is one of your best friends, telling you stuff you know you don't really want to be told, but realising the truth of it. It is done with so much humour and knowledge that you can't possibly take it the wrong way."

"Smart, portable and sassy, The Little Black Book is a unique and personal dating diary for today's selective single woman.

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