sarabee 

About me: Convent school educated, I returned home from boarding one weekend to find that my loving parents had moved house and forgotten to tell me. This experience combined with the nuns constant mantra which I received from the age of 7 ..''a sinner or a saint, so whats it gonna be'' left me well able to stand squarely on my own two feet & I left school with a good understanding of who I was (accomplished sinner) although not where I was going (they deny it, but I still believe that my parents had forgotten about me).

Moving on swiftly from such unpleasant thoughts, on leaving school school I was of the belief and understanding that I would definitely be struck down by lightning if I sat on a fella''s lap without a telephone directory strategically placed between our bodies. Consequently purchasing extremely large handbags until I was 21, only then to learn what I had never dared to believe, that in fact, Sister Gertrude was one big fat liar deserving ten hail marys (each day for the next forty years).

At this point I really dont think it''s appropriate to write a list of my finest attributes, y''know the usual things that girls write, that I''m intelligent, articulate, wealthy, honest & reliable, like/dont like music, am more than happy to sleep with you on the first date etc ..... so I''ll just gently introduce you to me.

Climbing the sweet ladder of success I enjoy both work and play trying to do both in huge amounts, the only thing holding me back being the amount of days in the week. Neither a culture vulture or a tv slob, the only soap I''m keen on is the one I shower with. I like holidays to far flung, exotic destinations (the only opportunity I have to get away from all of these children).

My hobbies include reversing and the study of tarmacadam and I''m also into recycling and the environment, regularly saving surplus to requirement prawn crackers to use as packing in parcels. I collect rare poison bottles, so please have a scour through your/your parents/friends/neighbours attics and if you send them to me I''ll be your bestest friend forever.

My claim to fame is that I''ve slept with Ross Kemp aka Grant Mitchell on more occasions than I care to remember, he''s not all he''s cracked up to be in the bedroom department, an out & out duvet hogger, although this was when I was 6 and he 7, so hopefully his bedroom antics have improved since then.

I''ve never employed desperate measures to secure a boyfriend, although there was that time when the postman was so damn good looking that I kept sending myself recorded delivery letters so that we met each morning. My postal delivery became erratic and love soured when he was off work with man flu for nearly two weeks. There was also the blind date where the first meeting was in Iceland, obviously the country not the supermarket. Beautiful country, lots of geysirs.

I would like to think of myself as cute, sweet & purdy but I''m not so will settle for ruthless, unreliable and unpredictable. I don''t like moaning (the ''oh god my finger nail is broken what''m I gonna do nowwww'' or ''you don''t understand me/care for/love me'' variety), I don''t nag, wear FM shoes or eat semolina. I dont like net curtains, rubber necking, shopping or birds, especially pigeons. I don''t gossip, don''t care who''s sleeping with who and don''t want to talk at length as to whether the McCanns are guilty or not. I love family life, full fat milk, work, airstreams, french films, roquefort, interesting people, entertaining and being entertained. I have nothing to complain about, have a healthy and positive attitude and am great at solving problematical situations. Feminine, with a sense of fair play I am principled, loyal and occasionally mildly outrageous.

Not only do I have all of these positive attributes, I''ve also got good stamina, don''t dance around my handbag and have been blessed with a fine pair of breasts together with a small sense of humour. I have friends and receive a free calendar from the local chinese restaurant at Christmas which I believe clearly confirms my popularity.

I haven''t posted a picture of myself because spookily I look exactly like the pink outline/I have something to hide/don''t want to be recognised/am not who I say I am/don''t look like who I am/am several hundred years older than I really am/am Bill Clintons wife/can''t be arsed, although I''m happy to send a pic if you jump through a series of burning hoops first.

And you? .... well simple really and one requisite only .... you must drive a red porsche, it would also help a tad if you were 6 foot (although if you drive a red porsche and own a parrot, no chance).