The verdict

Dating wasn't too difficult about five years ago - I met people, who were nice enough, we did stuff together for the day, quite enjoyable, but it didn't lead to anything.

As a means of meeting anyone compatible, it seems to have got worse though. I think this may be because single women without attachments have come to the same conclusion as me, and so don't pay because they don't have to. Out of about 300 views it came down to three possibles that I would have been interested in meeting to 'see how it goes'.

One turned out to be a complete dud. After she invited me to pm her, she couldn't even be bothered to reply. It's easy to freeload, but harder to work. One turned out to be still married, and living in Lithuania. No way! One seemed promising and a genuinely nice person, but then didn't want to meet. One, who I believe to be a genuine person, but fell outside my criteria, I have sponsored to quit smoking. Total cost of isolation behind a computer, since January meeting nobody: just over £30.

The majority of people around my age are mothers with whom it simply wouldn't work. I've thought about this long and hard, and why. This nothing to do with individuals. It's that if you have been married and brought up offspring from that marriage, by the time they're off your hands you are going to want to spread your wings and do all the things that I've already done because I wasn't in that relationship! You won't be able to bear me children, or provide the loving family that I always wanted. I understand now that's why my last relationship ended. She wanted an end to the family so she could be independent, when I wanted an end to independence and a partnership of equals. We crossed in the middle. The answer is all contained within time.

I think the big mistake I made is that people in certain situations and with certain constraints are over-represented on these sites compared to outside, and so it's easy to end up feeling desperate, when maybe the field isn't right. Where I live is skewed in a different way - with the lowest birthrate in the country, there are very few people with children, but the vast majority are under 25! The one person where mutual needs and personalities could have possibly blended successfully doesn't want to meet, so we'll never know. We are both right at the borderline of each other's criteria. Our talks served to clarify to me the kind of person I should be seeking. In that sense it has not been a waste of time. Time is not what I have too much of though, certainly not the estimated 25,000 years to go through 300,000 dates to find the perfect match! If they were all in Birmingham at the same time it wouldn't be so difficult, but statistically speaking maybe the next £30 would be better spent on a project to find someone in Nottingham who doesn't particularly want to live there!

So I now join the ranks of single women and dead profiles, believing the chances of a such woman fitting my criteria to be ever so close to zero. Thanks for the comments good people. Feel free to add to my obituary with anything but sympathy, for a new chapter begins... :)

...and your criteria was always far too narrow in so many ways. you dont find love by seeking the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Ohhh Charlotte that was so well put :-)

By wanting to start a family at the age of 50...means in itself that you yourself are vastly reducing the number of women available for 'dating'...and it seems that you do not want to date, but to start a family. You are looking for a mother for your children, rather than a partner to spend your life with.

Surely you can't look at each prospective woman as a mother for your children...that don't exist yet? Children are a gift, and each woman should be viewed as an individual, someone for whom you may develop feelings for over time and then if the relationship is secure, decide together whether or not you should start a family. A woman should not be judged as to whether or not she can give you the family you crave...but as an individual!

Western,

I personally don't agree with you and your outlook on so many different levels, I agree with the majority viewpoint on here. I believe you have many unresolved issues and that they are clouding your judgement and I don't think you will ever be truly happy until you have made sense of everything. I also feel you are an incredibly honest person, but that your honesty on these threads is just a bit too much for some to handle before actually knowing you - and so they choose not to. I think Grace has touched on one such 'clouded' issue and that is your desire for a family and your desire for a partner - which is the paramount driving force there? Only you know the answer to that.

But I respect your opinion which you are of course entitled to. I would suggest you continue to take part in the conversations and maybe go to a few local meets which would not necessitate a membership fee, but would enable you to continue building friendships.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you find some inner peace in the future.

x

Don't you think 50yrs maybe a little late for starting a family,
don't think you'll find many females wanting kids this late in life,
best of luck fella... you're gunna need it - lol.

hello Western,

i have to say that i have to agree with most of the above comments and a would just like to add my twopennyworth.

what if you met your *perfect* woman i.e. never married, no children and now seeking to find her *perfect* partner and settle down and produce children, was to find she could not have them. as has already been said, children are indeed a gift and unfortunately for various reasons it may not be possible. would you throw away a wonderful relationship because she could not provide you with a child. you could be missing out on real happiness by being so precise with your requirements which would be a shame. there may indeed be ladies out there reading your profile and comments actually being put off contacting you as they do not see themselves starting a family at a particular stage of their lives.

you are obviously an intelligent man with lots to give to the right person. i truly hope you find her, all the best x

Hi, I also have to agree with all that has been said by everyone. WS you do not specify an age for the ladies you are looking for. Even if you were looking for someone 10 years younger than yourself I doubt very much that someone who is 40 would really want to start a family. I also think that you should consider the children that you wish to have. Starting a family at 50 years old would mean that as that child approaches their teens you would be at the least in your mid 60's, that's if you met someone and immediately started a family. Personally I don't think it would be fair on the teenager to have a pensioner as a parent. You would not physically be able to do all the things that a young person requires, I know, because I have a teenage son and it is difficult enough at 50 to keep up with him, including current fashion trends, music, school work, hobbies etc.

Erm, briefly raising my head above the parapet ...

I'm just into my fifties, and no-one generally can tell, my two boys (aged 9 and 11) reckon I'm cooler and fitter than most of their mates' dads .. we'll see what they say in 6 years time:
- Dad, can't you get a proper car? Do we have travel around in a tank?
- When you pick me up later, can you park around the corner and text me that you're there?
- Are you really going out wearing that? Wot - outside?
etc

But then I started my family late, I was just 40 I think, and my exwife is 11 years younger than me. But I never planned to have kids ... the whole thing was totally unplanned. And, get this, she was (still is) a GP. Der.

Anyway = here's what I believe WS. I couldn't have embarked on my journey as a plan. Nor can you. Reckon on what MIGHT WELL work.

One of my good friends lives a few villages away, and he runs a woodyard (and I am always scavening there). He fosters kids, teenagers, and they think he walks on water. Sometimes, when I see how he copes with some of what happens, I reckon he probably does.

There is no shortage of children in the UK. Your odds of starting with one or two of those freshly minted pink leaky screaming machines are low indeed (sorry - doing honest here).

So, sure, why not look for a lady who wants to foster, or adopt? Or something. You have to recognise that by the age of a lady who's likely to think you're a good deal, her physicals and her on-board computer probably won't want to make new ones. And there's a heap of people, myself included, who can tell you how fostering is totally way cool.

Just a thought.

TT

Evening WS

You already know my views on the matter so not going to repeat myself.

I agree with some of the comments on here and personally think it's not a bad idea to have some time out from online dating. I know from experience when I'm feeling negative, it only attracts negativity, which is the last thing you are looking for.

Wishing you love peace and happiness always.

hugs
xx

I think we exhausted this topic only about a week ago now so why is it up again???

Ditto wot Charlotte and Shazzi said.

Hope you do find some peace within youself.

LL x

Thank you all for your views. Whilst they all make sense to me, it does just confirm what I thought, that's it's really diffucult to make yourself clear through this medium. Assumptions that I want to a family with someone without children or that for me I'm too old so sex, marriage, the family should be edited out of my life unless I become a surrogate are from your own perspectives.

The key that everyone missed was equality. I am equal to someone unmarried without children, whatever her age. Obviously the wider the age gap, the less likely a partnership to occur. If she is past childbearing age, then adoption is a possibility if children are wanted. If she already has a child, then she would have to want another if she wanted a lifelong commitment form me. That would restore the balance. None of this can come to pass before there is love. Judgment will never achieve it.

I will never be equal with a mother of around my own age - I had no part in that union, while she was married I was teaching the children. Whose children? - well hopefully the teachers strike will make some of you think about that. I bowed out after assault, and libel by the CRB. I wouldn't want anything to do with either the profession or anyone else's children before that is rectified. It seems that none of you could accept that it could never be any more than friendship. There wouldn't ever be any passion.

If all your views mean I won't ever have a love partner, then fine, because I don't believe you, and I will stay true to myself. Being alone in a country where it costs such an enormous amount to achieve so little might be a mistake. Then again, leaving behind the material trappings and joining a spiritual community may be be the answer for me. Thank you Poppy, for your parting wish, I really hope you find the right guy. I'll be out there looking (but not for guys!)

WS xx

Western,
I am not sure if I understand your thoughts.. IT seems to me it would be ok if the lady didn't have children and if that was the Case you would be happy not to have any... but if she did she would be required to have your child.... I hope I miss read that as if its true its bizzar...
I met my wife after she had been divorce and she had 2 children aged 3 and 1, when we met we got on so well one date turned into what should have been a lifetime of happiness, but before we married she told me she did not want anymore children as her marriage was a disaster ... he has since remarried 6 or 7 times...... well I made the choice, I loved her and was happy to bring up the children as my own, ... after about 10 years she told me she would like another child ... a bit of a shock to say the least lol ... but after an ectopic pregnancy and lots of fun trying we made a joint decision that we would soon be to old to have more children it would not be fair on us or the child ... well .... it was at the time of us stopping she told me she was pregnant ... Wow ... and we had a son... our other 2 children could not have been happier..... sadly when my son was 3 we lost my wife ... but I would not have swapped on Minuit of the time I had with her.
If I had used your criteria I would not have had that time.
I wish you good luck, but if you find a woman with children, look at what you would be gaining.........though at your age I would be guessing the children would be adults, and you would both have a happy and almost child free relationship.

WS...

Not quite sure were you are coming from ... However are you saying you cant be involved with someone who has children because of the CRB? ... If that is the case and you are saying you have been wrongly accused of a crime these laws are their to protect our children .....

Good luck in your journey !!!

MM

Hi Mike...loved your story and think it does show WS that he could miss so much if he sticks to his guns and criteria :-)

I guess we all have to make our own decisions & choices in life and go where they lead us. Judging by this and other threads, I don't think anyone is going to change Western's mind so that he can see the bigger picture..............

Mike, you're a lovely man - can't understand why you're still single!

Hi Shar

x

It seems to me that WS has more than a few issues to deal with. That being the case, those should be dealt with before he embarks on a relationship with any woman.

As for the 'equality' part of his last posting, what complete and utter bollocks. If a woman has already got a child, she would have to have one with him to redress the balance. What if she has 3 children, or heaven forbid, more than that? What complete and utter tripe. And yet he says that with the libel case he would not consider a r/ship with a woman who has any children anyway!!! There are far too many contradictions in what you do and don't want WS and unfortunately to me, you come across as a very confused man.

And finally, the balance of a relationship is between the 2 people who make up the couple, not about how many children one or both have for crying out loud.

Good luck to you WS, you are going to need it.

I'm uncomplicated, Grace!

I just want to do the normal things a man does with a woman, which I won't list as I'm such a private person...


Keith

Keith you and private aren't compatible in the same sentence lol.

*mwah*

G x