From messages to a first date, safely

There's a moment in most good online conversations when messaging starts to feel like a holding pattern. You've swapped stories, laughed at the same things, and one of you needs to say: shall we meet? This guide covers getting from there to a first date that is relaxed, enjoyable and safe, and what to do afterwards.

When to suggest meeting

There's no perfect number of messages, but there are signs you're ready:

• the conversation flows both ways, with both of you asking questions;
• you've talked about ordinary things (work, family, what you did at the weekend) and the details hang together;
• you've had a short video call, or you're about to;
• you're curious about them rather than anxious about them.

For many people that is a week or two of regular messages. Much sooner and you're meeting a near-stranger. Much later and you've often built up a picture in your head that the real person can't match, or the energy fades.

Suggesting it doesn't have to be a big moment. Make it specific and easy to say yes or no to.

Example: "I've really enjoyed talking. Would you like to meet for a coffee one weekend? There's a nice café near the station in town, or happy to pick somewhere that suits you."

If they say not yet, that's fine; some people want longer. If they keep saying not yet with a new reason each time, and also won't video call, take note (see below).

If an agency arranged the introduction rather than a site, the pace is a little different; see after an agency introduction.

A short video call first

A video call of ten or fifteen minutes before you meet does a lot of work. It confirms the person looks like their photos. It shows you how they talk and listen. And it takes the edge off first-date nerves, because you're not meeting a total stranger.

It is also one of the simplest checks against fake profiles. Australia's Scamwatch warns that with romance scammers "there always seems to be some reason they can't meet in person or video chat", such as being overseas or their technology not working. One missed call is life. A pattern of excuses is a warning.

Keep the first call short and light. You don't need to cover everything; you'll have the date for that. A call is also a natural point to arrange the date itself.

Keep talking on the site until you trust them

A video call usually means swapping a contact detail, and that's a decision worth making deliberately rather than early.

The UK Government's advice on romance fraud suggests staying on the dating website or app "until you're confident the person is who they say they are". Australia's eSafety Commissioner points out that when you move to another platform you lose the dating service's safety features, and you may expose your phone number and more. Pressure to move off the site quickly is one of the classic signs of a scam.

When you are ready to share a contact:

• share one way of reaching you, not several;
• a phone number tells someone more than you might think, so consider a messaging app that lets you call without giving your main number;
• hold back your surname, workplace and address until you've met and feel comfortable;
• never share anything that could be used against you, such as intimate photos.

On our own online service, profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, and what members write about themselves is not checked. That is true of most dating sites in one way or another. It's why a video call and a first date in public matter more than anything someone says in a profile. Our safety page explains what photo review and the optional ID badge do and don't tell you.

Planning the first date

Police and safety advice is remarkably consistent. Victoria Police suggest a place with lots of people around, during daylight hours, and sharing your location with friends. South Australia Police add arranging your own transport, keeping the first meeting short and telling someone you trust the plan. Get Safe Online puts it simply: "Meet in public. Stay in public."

Choose somewhere you'd be happy to sit for an hour even if the conversation is slow, and that you can walk out of without fuss. A coffee or a walk with a café at the end is ideal. Dinner is a big commitment for a first meeting; save it for the second.

If they're travelling a long way to meet you, the South Australia Police advice is to let them come to you and stay in a hotel, not with you.

On the day

A few small habits make the difference:

• Charge your phone before you go.
• Tell your friend when you arrive and when you leave, and agree a time for them to call or text. A call at a set time gives you an easy way out if you want one.
• Share your live location with that friend for the duration, if your phone allows it.
• Keep an eye on your drink, and don't leave it unattended.
• Don't go back to their place or invite them to yours, and don't accept a lift home, however well it goes. There will be other dates.
• Keep personal details light. It's a first meeting. Where you work, where you live and anything about money can wait.

And try to enjoy it. Most first dates are simply pleasant, or simply not quite right. The safety habits are there so you can relax.

If it goes badly

You can leave at any point. You don't need a reason and you don't owe an explanation. "I'm going to head off now, take care" is enough.

If you feel uneasy or unsafe:

• Ask staff for help. Many bars, pubs and venues in the UK take part in Ask for Angela. If you ask for "Angela", trained staff will take you aside discreetly and can, for example, get you a taxi, reunite you with a friend or call the police, according to the Police Service of Northern Ireland. Not every venue takes part, so look for the posters.
• Call a friend and stay on the phone while you leave.
• Call 999 if you're in immediate danger or a crime is happening. For non-emergencies in the UK, call 101 (Police.uk). In Australia call 000, and in the US 911.

Afterwards, if the person was threatening, abusive or asked you for money, report their profile to the site. On our own service, report them through the members help centre with their profile name and what happened. If money or fraud is involved, report it too: in England, Wales and Northern Ireland to Report Fraud on 0300 123 2040, and in Scotland to Police Scotland on 101. Our safety page has the reporting options for Australia and the US.

After the date

If you'd like to see them again, say so, simply. A message that evening or the next day is fine.

Example: "I really enjoyed this afternoon, thank you. I'd love to do it again. Fancy that walk along the river next weekend?"

If you wouldn't, a short, kind message is better than silence after you've met.

Example: "Thank you for today, I enjoyed meeting you. I don't think we're quite the right match, but I wish you all the best."

If they don't reply, or they say no, accept it and move on. It isn't a verdict on you. The guide to first messages has more on saying and hearing no with grace.

Keep your sensible habits for the next few dates too. Public places, your own transport, a friend who knows. Trust builds over meetings, not messages.

One more thing to hold on to: someone you've met once, or even several times, can still turn out not to be who they seemed. If anyone you're dating asks for money, for help with an investment, or for you to keep the relationship secret, stop and talk to someone you trust. The US Federal Trade Commission and UK Government advice are clear that you should never send money to someone you haven't met in person, and requests after a meeting deserve just as much care. The romance scams guide explains how these scams usually unfold.