How to write a dating profile that sounds like you

Most dating profiles fail in the same quiet way: they are perfectly pleasant and say almost nothing. "I love travelling, good food and nights in as much as nights out." So does nearly everyone. A reader can't tell you from the next ten profiles, and nothing gives them a reason to write.

The fix is not cleverness. It is being specific, honest about what you want, and a little braver than feels comfortable. This guide works through that, with examples you can borrow the shape of (please don't borrow the words).

Start with what you're looking for

If you want a serious relationship, say so early and plainly. It is not needy. It is information, and the right person will be relieved to read it.

You don't need to describe your future spouse. Two sentences will do: what you want, and something about the kind of person you'd get on with.

Example (weak): "Not sure what I'm looking for, just seeing what's out there."

Example (better): "I'm looking for a proper relationship with someone kind, curious and settled in their own life. Ideally someone who'd rather go for a long walk and a late lunch than a loud bar."

The weak version invites anyone and commits to nothing. The better one tells a reader exactly what you're after and gives a picture of a good day together.

Be honest about the practical things too, if they matter to you: whether you have children or want them, whether you'd move, how far you'd travel. Better to put off the wrong person now than in the third week of messages.

Specifics beat adjectives

Adjectives are claims. Specifics are evidence. "Funny", "adventurous", "down to earth" and "loyal" appear in so many profiles that readers have stopped seeing them. A detail does the same job and is far more memorable.

Those right-hand examples are invented, but notice what they do. Each one gives a reader something to reply to. "Which train?", "What goes wrong with the pavlova?", "Where's your parkrun?" A profile full of hooks makes a first message easy to write, which is half the battle. Our guide to first messages picks up from there.

A worked example

Example (weak): "Hi, I'm easy-going and fun, I like going out and staying in. Love music, films and travelling. Looking for someone to share good times with. Ask me anything."

Example (better): "I'm a primary school teacher in the week and a slightly obsessive gardener at weekends; my runner beans have their own spreadsheet. I read a lot of crime fiction and go to more folk gigs than most people think is healthy. I'm divorced, with two teenagers who are mostly lovely. I'd like to meet someone warm and grounded for something lasting. Bonus points if you can tell me what's eating my lettuces."

The second version is barely longer. But it tells you what this person does, what they care about, their situation, what they want, and it ends with an easy opening. It also has a bit of personality, which is what most readers are really looking for.

How long, and what tone

Aim for a few short paragraphs: enough to give someone two or three things to ask about, short enough to read on a phone in a minute. For most people that is roughly 100 to 250 words. One line looks like you didn't try. A long essay looks like a job application, and the best bits get lost.

On tone, write the way you'd talk to someone you've just met and like. Warm, a little self-aware, not trying too hard.

A few things that help:

• Lead with something real. Your first line is what people see before deciding whether to read on. "I'm new to this" is fine to mention, but don't open with it.
• Be positive about what you want, not negative about what you don't. "No time-wasters", "no drama" and "if you can't hold a conversation don't bother" read as bitter, even when they come from bad experiences. They put off the thoughtful people you want.
• Humour is good; sarcasm is risky. Gentle self-deprecation works. Sharp irony often doesn't survive being read by a stranger.
• Read it aloud. If a sentence sounds odd spoken, it sounds odd written.
• Check spelling. It is not about being judged, it is about the reader not being distracted.

If you're returning to dating after a long time, or after divorce or bereavement, the guide to online dating over 40 has more on finding your feet.

Your past, your children and the harder topics

Some things will come up early whatever you do: divorce, being widowed, children at home, a health condition, caring for a parent. A short, matter-of-fact mention is usually better than leaving it out, because it filters gently and saves an awkward conversation later.

Example (weak): "Recently out of a long marriage that ended badly, still working through a lot but hoping to find someone better."

Example (better): "I was married for eighteen years and have been on my own for two. I've got two grown-up children and a very spoilt spaniel, and I'm ready for the next chapter."

The better version says the same facts without inviting a reader into the hurt. Keep the story for when you know someone and they've earned it.

You don't have to mention everything. Health, money and the details of past relationships can wait. The test is: would a reasonable person feel misled if they found out on a second date? If yes, mention it briefly. If no, it can wait.

What to leave out to protect your privacy

A profile is read by strangers, and on our site by members of partner sites too. Write it as if anyone could read it, because in effect they can. Safety bodies such as Get Safe Online and Australia's eSafety Commissioner advise keeping identifying details out of your profile and early messages.

Leave out:

• Your surname, or anything that makes it easy to guess.
• Your workplace or employer's name. "I work in the NHS" is fine; "senior nurse on the cardiac ward at St Mary's" is not.
• Your address, street or exact area. A town or region is enough.
• Your phone number, email address or social media handles.
• Your full date of birth, and details like your mother's maiden name or first school, which are often used as security questions.
• Your children's names, schools or ages to the year.
• Regular routines that pin you down, such as "you'll find me at the Red Lion quiz every Tuesday".

None of this makes a profile less warm. "I teach in a primary school in Leeds" is as appealing as the version with the school's name, and much safer. You can share more as you get to know someone; you can't take it back once it's out.

Treat other people's profiles with the same care. Anyone can write anything, and someone who seems perfect on paper and is in a hurry to move the conversation elsewhere or talk about money is worth a careful look. The romance scams guide and our safety page explain the warning signs.

Writing your profile on DatingAgency.com

On our own online service, the written part of your profile is the about section. You fill it in when you make your profile, alongside your photos and details such as who you're looking for, an age range and distance, and optional details like children, smoking and drinking. Making a profile is free. How it works explains the rest.

Three things worth knowing as you write:

• Nobody checks what you write. Photos are reviewed before they appear. The about section is not, so your honesty is up to you, and other members' honesty is up to them.
• Your profile is shared with partner sites in the same network. Members of those sites can see it and message you. Another reason to keep identifying details out.
• The structured fields do some of the work. If you've already said you have children and don't smoke, you don't need to repeat it. Use the about section for the things a form can't capture.

Your photos matter as much as your words; the guide to dating profile photos covers choosing them.

A checklist before you save

Read your profile once more and check that it:

1. Says plainly what you're looking for.
2. Includes at least three specific details someone could ask you about.
3. Mentions anything a reasonable person would want to know early, briefly.
4. Sounds like you talking, not a CV.
5. Says what you want rather than listing what you don't.
6. Contains no surname, workplace, address, phone number, email or social handles.
7. Has been read by one honest friend.
8. Is a length you'd read to the end yourself.

Then leave it a day and read it again. Most profiles improve with one round of cutting. And revisit it every couple of months: if few people are writing to you, the words are usually the first thing worth changing.